hotel room ftw
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
someone get that fucking seahorse.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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