dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
