....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
