he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
