jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
