You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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