I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
