then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize