So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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