Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
