Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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