woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
