im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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