Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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