Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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