someone threw a dead crab at me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
