Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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