Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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