Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
