Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
