Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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