so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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