I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
