Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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