apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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