people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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