Moan for me like Helen Keller
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
