I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
