plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
