Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
