Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
