When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
