it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
