He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
