Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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