I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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