The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
