I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
