Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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