i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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