Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
