I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
