What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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