I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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