I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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