why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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