Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
