shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
