Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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