we made out on top of his cat.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
