I accidentally had phone sex last night
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
