I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize