Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
