last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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