New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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