I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
